The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
