remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
