So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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