I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
