genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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