I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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