I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
