I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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