Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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