I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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