I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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