Cold hands, warm shart.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
