When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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