Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
