When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize
