census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
