Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
