guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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