I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
