Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize