pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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