apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
