He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
