i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
