at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
