i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
