I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
