just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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