pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
