You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
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Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
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The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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