My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
A bitchslap is in order.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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