I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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