I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
