My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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