I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
