are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
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I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
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He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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