Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
