thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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