You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
