now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
