Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
