Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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