I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
