saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
