I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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