Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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