he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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