I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
