I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
There's even glitter on my cock...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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