Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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