For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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