next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
