Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
