yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
