is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I didn't notice because vodka
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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