i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
