I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
