She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
