after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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