My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
