the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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