Fuck appropriateness.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
