her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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