I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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